How My Parents Reacted

What parent's wouldn't love their daughter having a baby out of wedlock with her ex-boyfriend on purpose?! But that being said... 

Mom, Dad and me as a baby
I look like a total goober!

 Ok – let me give you a little history on this whole thing. I had spent my early twenties making every mistake I could… Then in my late twenties I took a deep breath, and began my journey into being an adult, getting myself not only back on track, but right into the fast track.

Who cares, right?! Well, my baby daddy is only just now starting his journey into being an adult. So it was natural for my parents to be a bit skeptical about us dating. They wanted me to date someone who already had his life together.  And if they were skeptical about us dating, multiply that times a MILLION about him being the father of my child.

It is also important to note I didn’t really talk to my parents about this before I did this. I knew how they would freak out and I was already resolved.  So when I did tell them it was truly out of the blue.

Dad’s Reaction

My father, stepmother and I
in England 

First of all – my dad and I are really close. We speak several times a week. I definitely feel lucky to have a father like him. However, when I told my father over the phone after work one evening, he immediately got quiet. He told me he needed time to process. He hung up the phone and we didn’t speak for three weeks. He refused to talk to me. He was literally shaken to his bones by the news. When I was finally given his main objection to the news it was not what you might expect – his main fear was that he didn’t really know my baby daddy’s family at all and some of the stories told were not the most complimentary. There are several facets to this but it boiled down mainly to the fact they his family did not appear to be a family that valued education; or higher education as it were.   He was so afraid I had not thought this through. He was so afraid I didn’t understand the impact of the decision – of how it’s not just the person you have a child with but the family influence as well. Honestly, I think my father wanted a little more control and the apparent lack therein, and lack of time to process it all, really shook him up.

Mother's Reaction

My mother handled it a bit differently. After what happened with my pops I figured I’d try a different approach with my mom. I wrote her an email answering every question up front I could think of: why, how, who, how my new job would handle it, insurance, child care, custody, holidays, etc. I carefully constructed an email – complete with intentional pauses where I instructed her to “freak out and punch the wall” as I lobed more layers of detail at her.  I’m sure she did just that. Playing on the Catholic guilt that my mother and grandmother so graciously bestowed upon me, I ended the email telling her I hoped she would not disappoint me like my father had. That seemed to work. (I learned from the Masters.)

My mother, stepfather, grandmother
and I in Greece

My mother at first shocked me by how wonderful she handled the news. I was elated. But as time passed I noticed that my manipulative devices only lasted so long. I noticed that she was not asking how I was doing, not offering any advice, really only talking about herself. I confronted her about this and she said, “You told me if I didn’t have anything joyful to say not to say anything, so I’m just telling you about my weekend.” I had to explain to my mother that not saying anything was really no different than saying something negative. We decided to take a break also (although this break lasted less than one day). 

Now I had both my parents not speaking to me…

How did they come around?

For my father and mother initially it started by just talking to people about it. The more they could talk about how they felt the better it made them feel. And it helped them to realize there are so many babies born in the world under SO many circumstances. If you talk to enough people who have grandchildren they will all pretty much tell you that the love and the joy they would feel for the grandchild would far outweigh any potential complications. And some of my parent’s friends reminded my parents that I am awesome, and if anyone can make this crazy scheme work – it was me. J

My dad still copes the best he can. In hind sight I’m glad he waited the full three weeks. I was so angry and hurt the first week I think I would have berated him for his negative reaction. By the third week I was pretty much over it and I was right in the middle morning sickness and fatigue. He called me out of the blue and we talked liked nothing had happened. I think our big break through came last week though. He called me again and told me he was still really struggling. We had an hour long very candid discussion. It boiled down to this:
Me: I understand your concerns Dad, but we cannot undo this so what do you want me to say?
Dad: Just say "I hear you dad, but I have this under control. You just have to trust me."
Me: I hear you Dad. But I have have this under control. You just have to trust me.
Dad: Ok then, lets move one.
That's how my dad and I roll... :-) I also reminded him that my baby daddy is getting his degree now and wishes so badly he had done that from the start.  We will be a team that makes sure our child understands the importance of higher education. My dad and I are much better now.  

My mom’s big wake-up call came when I sent the second ultrasound and told her my little nugget was the size of a blueberry. Somehow that melted her fears. She has been so supportive ever since. She still refers to the baby as her little Blueberry, even though it’s a lemon now! I know she still struggles a bit with it all, but she’s been very supportive, even sending this blog to her family and friends. 

Whole crazy family at Christmas time (left top to bottom right): stepdad,
stepmom, dad, me, mom, grandma, step-grandma

All in All

Considering the anvil I dropped on both my parent’s heads I am overall very happy with where we are. I know they wanted me to be in a loving, committed relationship… but they also understand there are no guarantees in committed relationships either, since I was the ripe old age of 2 when they divorced. Life doesn’t need to follow a plan or a recipe to be amazing. We get to make this beautiful world up as we go… just value and live by the truths around us, recognizing they can be a little different for everyone.