Really awesome pregnancy advice from the mommies in my life

Ashley and I at Trinity!

I want to give a shout out to some women who offered me really great advice during my first trimester: Lara, Ashley and Diane.

First of all, I got morning sickness right as I hit week 6. So far I have not actually vomited, which I guess I’m very happy about. What I experience is that feeling you get when you’ve been reading in the backseat of a car for too long, that painful twist in your stomach. And I was feeling that way all the time! The other thing that hit me super hard was the fatigue. I felt like I had the flu without the fever. More accurately – I felt like I’d been hit by a mac truck. It was ridiculous – I could literally sleep ALL DAY LONG! I’m a ridiculously active person and I was completely derailed by the fatigue. You think you know what fatigue means... but unless you've been pregnant I'm pretty sure you don't. 

So here is advice that the lovely experienced mothers in my life gave me (in no particular order):

Favorite Website/Reading Materials: 

 My cousin Ashley told me about www.babycenter.com. This has turned out to be an amazing site. I get weekly updates on all of the wonderful developments my baby is going through. Plus there are forums, advice articles, what to do and not to do highlights.  I highly recommend this site!

Lara, her mom and I celebrating
St. Patty's day!

Lara gave me book, called "Your Pregnancy Week by Week", Glade B. Curtis. Its similar to Babycenter.com in that it gives weekly updates, but I can sit and read it in the evenings. It gives tips, advice and tips for dads as well! Lara also gave me "The Birth Book" by William and Martha Sears, and and awesome (though somewhat appalling) video called "The Business of Being Born". Both of those I'll talk about more when I discuss my whole "Birth Plan"... which I now know I need to have!

Diane is the only one of my close mommy friends who is a working mom. While I wish that I could be a stay at home mommy - that is just not going to be an option in the beginning. I have to strike it rich first! (Keep sharing this blog - maybe I can turn it into a book and sell millions of copies!) Diane has helped me answering questions about how disability works for maternity leave for both CA Maternity Leave (http://pregnancy.lovetoknow.com/wiki/California_Maternity_Leave) and Paid Family Leave (http://www.paidfamilyleave.org/learn/basics.html). We've also talked candidly about how it was to go back to work, how nursing versus bottle feeding was balanced and how weird it can be to pump at work! Its definitely helpful to have someone walk me through how this worked for them.

Best Eating Advice: 

Diane and I at her
wedding!

My friend Diane told me that to combat her morning sickness she just ate a little bit all the time. She tried never to be hungry and never to be super full. I now arm myself with a constant supply of a variety of snacks (because I never knew what I’d be craving). This actually worked very well. My favorite snacks: apples, plums, nectarines,  cheez-its, string cheese, edamame, fiber one bars, and pretzels.

My cousin Ashley gave me awesome advice – she said in your first trimester when you're feeling sick you just eat what you want. Ok, ok, everyone says that. But Ashley is a marathon runner and very active.  But she described going to the grocery store in the morning and thinking “I’ll get an apple.” And then her body overriding that decision, and so she thought, “Ok, I’ll get a bagel.” And finally giving in… “Ok, fine I’ll get a donut.”

This made me laugh so hard. You think you can control these cravings – BUT YOU CAN’T! It’s so weird. Just being given permission helped me. (My love was Easy Mac n Cheese… and Grilled Cheese Sandwiches!) Ashley said in the second trimester you can start eating more healthy (and you can - its easier!), but you'll lose the battle in the first.

Awesome Morning Sickness Tricks: 

My friend Lara told me ice water and peppermint helped her first thing in the morning. It helps me all the time! I love this drink. I’m lazy and never got peppermint oil, so I suck on an Altoid and drink really cold water. It helps!

Lara also told me about Preggy Pops. They are fun flavored candy drops or suckers. She even dropped off a box for me! These do help… and they taste awesome! And Lara gave me ginger chews. These actually do help, but after eating half the bag over a few days, my taste buds changed and apparently I no longer like ginger. They do work though!

These are yummy and work great!

Trust me- I got much more advice than this. There will be more advice posts to follow.

Above all - these ladies told me I was normal – even when I felt like I wasn’t myself anymore. They offer love and encouragement. They’re such good mommies – I cannot wait to keep getting more advice from them as I continue on this amazing journey...  and sharing that advice with you!

Thank you ladies! Love you always!

How My Parents Reacted

What parent's wouldn't love their daughter having a baby out of wedlock with her ex-boyfriend on purpose?! But that being said... 

Mom, Dad and me as a baby
I look like a total goober!

 Ok – let me give you a little history on this whole thing. I had spent my early twenties making every mistake I could… Then in my late twenties I took a deep breath, and began my journey into being an adult, getting myself not only back on track, but right into the fast track.

Who cares, right?! Well, my baby daddy is only just now starting his journey into being an adult. So it was natural for my parents to be a bit skeptical about us dating. They wanted me to date someone who already had his life together.  And if they were skeptical about us dating, multiply that times a MILLION about him being the father of my child.

It is also important to note I didn’t really talk to my parents about this before I did this. I knew how they would freak out and I was already resolved.  So when I did tell them it was truly out of the blue.

Dad’s Reaction

My father, stepmother and I
in England 

First of all – my dad and I are really close. We speak several times a week. I definitely feel lucky to have a father like him. However, when I told my father over the phone after work one evening, he immediately got quiet. He told me he needed time to process. He hung up the phone and we didn’t speak for three weeks. He refused to talk to me. He was literally shaken to his bones by the news. When I was finally given his main objection to the news it was not what you might expect – his main fear was that he didn’t really know my baby daddy’s family at all and some of the stories told were not the most complimentary. There are several facets to this but it boiled down mainly to the fact they his family did not appear to be a family that valued education; or higher education as it were.   He was so afraid I had not thought this through. He was so afraid I didn’t understand the impact of the decision – of how it’s not just the person you have a child with but the family influence as well. Honestly, I think my father wanted a little more control and the apparent lack therein, and lack of time to process it all, really shook him up.

Mother's Reaction

My mother handled it a bit differently. After what happened with my pops I figured I’d try a different approach with my mom. I wrote her an email answering every question up front I could think of: why, how, who, how my new job would handle it, insurance, child care, custody, holidays, etc. I carefully constructed an email – complete with intentional pauses where I instructed her to “freak out and punch the wall” as I lobed more layers of detail at her.  I’m sure she did just that. Playing on the Catholic guilt that my mother and grandmother so graciously bestowed upon me, I ended the email telling her I hoped she would not disappoint me like my father had. That seemed to work. (I learned from the Masters.)

My mother, stepfather, grandmother
and I in Greece

My mother at first shocked me by how wonderful she handled the news. I was elated. But as time passed I noticed that my manipulative devices only lasted so long. I noticed that she was not asking how I was doing, not offering any advice, really only talking about herself. I confronted her about this and she said, “You told me if I didn’t have anything joyful to say not to say anything, so I’m just telling you about my weekend.” I had to explain to my mother that not saying anything was really no different than saying something negative. We decided to take a break also (although this break lasted less than one day). 

Now I had both my parents not speaking to me…

How did they come around?

For my father and mother initially it started by just talking to people about it. The more they could talk about how they felt the better it made them feel. And it helped them to realize there are so many babies born in the world under SO many circumstances. If you talk to enough people who have grandchildren they will all pretty much tell you that the love and the joy they would feel for the grandchild would far outweigh any potential complications. And some of my parent’s friends reminded my parents that I am awesome, and if anyone can make this crazy scheme work – it was me. J

My dad still copes the best he can. In hind sight I’m glad he waited the full three weeks. I was so angry and hurt the first week I think I would have berated him for his negative reaction. By the third week I was pretty much over it and I was right in the middle morning sickness and fatigue. He called me out of the blue and we talked liked nothing had happened. I think our big break through came last week though. He called me again and told me he was still really struggling. We had an hour long very candid discussion. It boiled down to this:
Me: I understand your concerns Dad, but we cannot undo this so what do you want me to say?
Dad: Just say "I hear you dad, but I have this under control. You just have to trust me."
Me: I hear you Dad. But I have have this under control. You just have to trust me.
Dad: Ok then, lets move one.
That's how my dad and I roll... :-) I also reminded him that my baby daddy is getting his degree now and wishes so badly he had done that from the start.  We will be a team that makes sure our child understands the importance of higher education. My dad and I are much better now.  

My mom’s big wake-up call came when I sent the second ultrasound and told her my little nugget was the size of a blueberry. Somehow that melted her fears. She has been so supportive ever since. She still refers to the baby as her little Blueberry, even though it’s a lemon now! I know she still struggles a bit with it all, but she’s been very supportive, even sending this blog to her family and friends. 

Whole crazy family at Christmas time (left top to bottom right): stepdad,
stepmom, dad, me, mom, grandma, step-grandma

All in All

Considering the anvil I dropped on both my parent’s heads I am overall very happy with where we are. I know they wanted me to be in a loving, committed relationship… but they also understand there are no guarantees in committed relationships either, since I was the ripe old age of 2 when they divorced. Life doesn’t need to follow a plan or a recipe to be amazing. We get to make this beautiful world up as we go… just value and live by the truths around us, recognizing they can be a little different for everyone. 

I change my mind... Sorry, no take backs!

I used one of those early detection pregnancy tests and I actually received two false negatives. I was on a family vacation up in a cabin in Northern CA and only two people knew I even might be pregnant. I took two tests - one at 6 days before my period was due and one at 4 days. But I was so scared someone would find me I did it quickly and hid the applicators in the bottom of my suitcase. I didn’t wait the full 3 minutes – wait the full three minutes!

So - they both only had one sad pink line - I was not pregnant... or so I thought. Of course I didn’t know they were false. So I told my baby daddy we were unsuccessful. He said he was relieved! He wanted to rethink everything. He had agreed to the whole crazy thing, in fact, because he thought it would help us get back together. Isn’t that something a chic would do?!  He said maybe we needed a break. We talked honestly and openly and I thought maybe we needed a break too. Maybe my desire to be pregnant had clouded my judgment just a little. I would start looking at sperm donors again. We would just be friends. 

Two pink lines!! I'm pregnant!

But then my period never came. My cousin kept berating me - Take another test! I had one test left (package of 3... random).  I was so conflicted at this point... did I want to be pregnant now... did I not?! I peed on the stick and left the applicator in my bathroom and went to distract myself on Facebook. 3 minutes later I went back to the bathroom... two pink lines!!  I fell to my knees shaking. I called my cousin right away - she was elated... I was elated... But how was I going to tell my baby daddy?!

I told him over the phone and he was definitely in shock. "I told you I was going to get this right on the first try" he said. I told he had 24 hours to wrap his brain around it and then I kind of needed him to get on board. He did - he really did. Things were a little awkward for about a week. Then we made a doctor’s appointment and my baby daddy started getting sentimental and now he’s very excited.

I guess now I feel like the universe decided that this baby was meant to be. We really were not going to try again. I was going to go the sperm donor route. But I am so excited to be pregnant. And I am so excited that it is with my baby daddy – we may never get back together but my child will know the love of a really remarkable father and that was what was so important to me all along!

6 Weeks - First ultrasound... 
our baby was the size of a lentil!

9 Weeks - Second ultrasound... 
our baby was now the size of a grape!

A Pro, A Con, A Whim... a Plan!

Our morphed baby!

My baby daddy and I had always mused about what an awesome child we would produce (we’re humble like that).  We even went on to www.morphthing.com and uploaded our pictures to see what our baby might look like. I thought the picture would be something silly - like the baby would have elephant ears or kitty cat whiskers... but I was shocked to see it looked like a pretty real, and pretty cute, baby! It was creepy and cool at the same time. (Check back in 6 months or so and we'll see how it compares to the real thing.) So, I admit it was a guilty pleasure of mine to think about having his child. But it seemed like such a distant possibility while we were dating. He had so much life to catch up on. 

We broke up... twice. After we broke up the second time I dated one other person. That relationship spiked briefly and then fizzled quickly. It was at that point that that I decided I would buy sperm from a sperm bank. I had trepidations about going the sperm donor route – not about money or about going it alone. I make an excellent living and I have a wonderful support network. I worried mostly about my child always wondering who their father was. I have a lot of wonderful positive male role models in my life, so I was willing to chance the sacrifice – but I am so close with my father that it kind of pained me to think of my child not having that same experience. However, like so many other women who go the sperm donor route, I just couldn’t face getting into my 40s still not having children. I decided to move forward anyway. I went on to www.Cryobank.com and found a few solid sperm donors. I spoke with a representative on the phone and she walked me through the whole process. I was going to wait until after my annual family vacation and then I would pull the trigger. 

The Pro/Con Poster... bet you
didn't think it was real!

All the while I’m sharing these updates with my ex-boyfriend and future baby daddy.  We joked again about how awesome it would be if we could have had a baby together.  The joke led to a conversation. Could he get me pregnant, be a co-parent and be my friend with our history? Was it possible?! The conversation to led to us making a Pro/Con poster for my baby daddy. My motivations were clear – but why would a guy in his 30s trying to turn his life around want to get his ex-girlfriend pregnant?! (I’ll let him write a blog post to tell you his take on this whole thing… he’s a good writer – you’ll enjoy it!)

The pro/con poster led to a potential plan. I took that plan to my life coach. I took it my close friends. I took it my mentors, people I looked up to. They all agreed that it while it was not without potential future flaws, it looked like a pretty solid and well thought out plan. I turned that plan into our Co-Parenting Agreement. I will include the agreement in a future post but here is the gist:

• Child Support: Neither would pay the other child support (I didn’t want him asking it from me in the future either, since I make more money than him)
• Custody: I would be the primary guardian, with sole custody for the first 6 months and limited shared custody thereafter
• Payments: I would pay for everything (I was about to go the sperm donor route – so money was not a motivation for me)
• Holidays, Etc.: We covered holidays, school, what we would do if one or the other moved, doctors/benefits, etc.

The Co-Parenting agreement is very much like an agreement that two parents divorcing would draft. Which I know makes some of you think... so you're purposely bringing a child up in a broken home? I have many a thought on this - which I will include in a future post. I'll call it something like... Broken, Bent and Beautiful...

Anyway - My baby daddy and I signed the plan before a Notary, who by the way had a Christian Fish on her business card... I wonder how she felt about us since our first paragraph says straight up that he intends to get me pregnant out of wedlock. Sinners...

Our baby at 12 weeks... kicking
up his or her little feet! He or she
is the size of a lime... :-)

In June of 2012 I bought an ovulation kit (Clear Blue Easy – great product). By July I was pregnant. As of September 5^th, 2012 I am 12 weeks along and just a weeks shy of being out my first trimester. 

Meet the Father... or better known as The Baby Daddy

My Baby Daddy and I out having
a good time as per usual!

Have you ever met a guy or gal whose company you enjoyed so much, where good times felt effortless? And then have you tried to seriously date that person and it changed everything? That was me and my baby daddy. We met at a party and we had instant chemistry. We always had so much fun together. But we are different people at our core. Sometimes opposites attract… and sometimes they just make each other crazy.  He is a ridiculously intelligent person who had spent his 20's partying, so he found himself in his 30's realizing it was time to make a change. But change takes time. Sometimes a lot of time. Sometimes too much time.

So we became friends. Really good friends. He became one of my best friends.  I too had found myself at a crossroads in my late twenties - I know what it takes to turn your life around. He asked me to help him. I agreed. As it turns out – he would be helping me too!

Complimenting Stories about My Baby Daddy

Part of the closet my baby daddy
designed & built from scratch

• Everyone one of my friends really likes him. I mean – every one of them. This is super rare. He has such a comfortable, pleasant, engaging demeanor. He is a curious person so he’s interested in what you have to say. He’s disarming so you’re completely at ease with him. And he is really funny so he always makes you laugh. He is the nicest guy around. Parenting Plus: I would love a son or daughter to inherit his wonderful traits. and I know our child will always feel at ease with his/her daddy. 
• I was studying for the GMAT and some of the math problems really stumped me. The explanations in the book were useless – in fact most of them confused me even more. My baby daddy said he could help…  he completely blew me away. He explained all the problems to me so easily that I completely understood them. Parenting Plus: He’s going to be so awesome patiently helping our child with homework! And maybe our child will be better at math than I am!
• While I was out of town with my family he designed and built a custom closet for me.  Then he organized my closet. He has such an amazing eye for space and design. Parenting Plus: I can’t wait to design our nursery together! And I know he will always be doing something fun and creative with our baby. 
• And I have to add this – it’s not a story – but he’s really really good looking. His skin is naturally olive/tan all year long. He has beautiful hazel eyes. Excellent facial symmetry. He’s tall and slender. Parenting Plus: Really good looking children! :-)

So why did we break up? (Rewritten 10/19/12)

• I was so not ready to be in a relationship. I had been through a few back to back years of disappointment, heartbreak, over-compromising and such. I think even if he had been 100% perfect I would have sabotaged it somehow. I didn't realize it at the time but I just needed a break!
• He had a lot changing in his own life that he needed to do. Its really hard on a couple when you meet at a time of intense transition. He was changing from being the party guy to getting serious about life, love and the pursuit of happiness. 
• I am relentless over-achiever (and this is not a compliment to me), so I was kind of hard on him as he was making this transition - pushing him more than he wanted to be pushed. The more I pushed, the more he sort of resisted change. I could see myself being that way, and I could feel the filters of past relationships shaping my reactions in my current relationship. I was afraid of being disappointed like I had been before. 
• It was a relationship weighted down with too much baggage to be successful, his and mine alike. He would have liked to keep trying, but I had to choose to be friends. 

Baby Daddy and I at the
Queen Mary park 

So why chose him as my baby daddy? 

Easy – he's a fantastic human being! Any child on this earth would be lucky to have papa like him. And though we each have traits that frustrate each other, these  are things we balance out. Even though we’re not together we’re still learning from each other.  He’s getting his life in order and learning to relax, heal and let people be themselves a bit more. J

We make great friends and we’ll make awesome co-parents!

Next Post: How I asked and how we drafted our plan and made it happen!

The Abridged Back Story: Why, How and What?!

My and favorite little man, Bailey

Here I am – an attractive professional thirty-something woman who is undeniably SINGLE.  Why am I single – fantastic question!  Oh I have many theories... as do my mother, best friends and life coach... But I suppose that’s a topic for another day.

I have always wanted to be a mother. Always! I have also always wanted to be a successful professional woman. There were times when these goals were distinctly at odds with each other.  And other times when I began to feel like they might balance each other nicely.  The latter of the two is now.

I am a project manager and I am really good at it. I am a problem solver and an effective team builder. I am relentless, enthusiastic and optimistic. It has served me well in my career… not as much in my romantic life. Men are not as easy to project manage as websites, though lord knows I have tried. 

Seeing the writing on the wall I had set a sort of milestone in my head, a line in the sand that if I was not in a serious relationship by a certain date, I would go ahead and take motherhood into my own hands. That age turned out to be 34 years old.

Why 34? 

It’s one part simple math and another part excellent timing. Here’s what I know:

        1. I don’t want to have to kids in my 40s. Nothing wrong with it – I just don’t want to.

        2. I also want to have 2 kids, again, before I’m 40.

Everybody always says, “You have time. You’re so young. You’ll meet the perfect man. Just wait.”  Relationships take time people! Even if I met the perfect man today, at age 34 and it was completely magical and inspiring, it would probably go like this:

         1. We date for a year and then get engaged
         2. We mostly likely get married a year later
         3. even if we started having kids right away I would be at least 37 when the first child is born…

...and that’s if I met the right man TOMORROW!

I decided I wouldn't let this be me...

I have several girlfriends in their 40s that kept waiting for the “perfect man”. That kept feeling like they had time. But facts are facts. It does get harder to get pregnant as you get older and the risks are greater. The risks increase even as young as 35.  I decided rather than continuing to hold out for fate I would do this now. I have a great job. I have well managed investment properties. I’m in good health and I’m happy about where I am in life. This was just really good timing. Don’t misunderstand me - a good man would definitely be an amazing addition, but I’m not going to force it just because I want to be a mother so badly (which is what I realized I had been doing).

I understand it’s not logic that everyone will agree with. But it made sense to me. And it made sense to my support network. It made sense to all of the fabulous women in my life, those with and without children. And it made sense to my ex-boyfriend and baby daddy. Are you ready to meet him?