Now that we’re a couple – how does that change the agreement?

Kat and Terry - Preggy Pic #1

This is a phenomenal question – because we’re not married the agreement remains in-tact, though we’re free to bend the rules a bit in the interim. I consider the agreement more of a co-parenting pre-nup if you will.  If we do break up, we revert to the agreement as it is written today. But even as we stay together there are elements of the agreement we still have in place.

What has changed?

• Custody – now that we’re living together obviously this is no longer a concern. We will be raising this little niblet together.
• Holidays and Activities – these will be more joint efforts now. We will go to each other’s families for the holidays and navigate the balance just like any other couple would.
• Final decisions – under the agreement there is an element under which I would have had final decision making authority with respect to names, healthcare related issues, childcare facilities, etc. This is no longer the case. Now we’re discussing things – again like a normal couple would. And of course, like a normal couple – we almost never agree!  (Ok, ok – we agree in the end but boy does it take some communication tap-dancing in the interim.)

So – what’s the same then?!

Preggy Pic #2

For the time being I will still bear the sole financial responsibility for little Ethan, including the cost of giving birth (and holy jeez these are outrageous costs!!), health insurance, childcare, education savings funds, diaper service, mortgage/utilities, and so on and so on.

When Terry and I made this agreement we knew he wasn't in a financially comfortable place because he was going back to school and working part time as a bartender. He makes enough money to cover his own bills but there is not a lot extra right now, especially for the overwhelming costs this little baby is racking up. This arrangement was always based on me being able to cover all of the costs. Our expectation, of course, is that this will not always be the case. Terry is looking for a job closer to Long Beach that has more consistent hours and more consistent pay. And when he does graduate college with an engineering degree he will definitely be stepping in financially - which is good because we might have our second child by then. (Yes, we’re already talking about it.)

Some people have had some negative things to say about the financial arrangement but this is the way I look at it:

1. There are many single income families, but the convention is that the man is the breadwinner. Well – to break yet another convention, that is not the case with us. Our goal is to equal out in the end, but right now we’re a healthy couple with me as the breadwinner.
2. Terry contributes so much to the comfort of our lives. He keeps our home improvement projects moving forward and it’s really only because of him that we have a place as nice as we do. I will be show all of the before and after pictures in another blog post. He does amazing work – he’s going to make some engineering firm very happy someday.
3. Time – Terry has a bit more free time so our goal is try to and supplement childcare costs with some of his free time – i.e. he’ll stay home with little Ethan one or two days a week, or several half-days.
4. My best friend – Terry really is my best friend. I wouldn't trade that for a million dollars. (I used to think I would… but I was young and dumb… now I wouldn't trade it ever.) I would have done this single, and I could have done this single, but I am so glad Terry and I are together. We make each other happy.

Preggy Pic #3

So – we have 4 days to go and we have two giant decisions still left to be made (decisions I have to be honest I truly envisioned being able to make on my own once upon a time):

• Middle and last name (now that we’re together this changes things a bit)
• Circumcision (one of us for, one of us is against… this is definitely controversial!)

 Stay tuned!

Next blog post: Single vs. Alone – something I learned starting off doing this single and being able to compare that against doing this with someone. 

Note: All of our preggy pics are courtesy of Sandee Lynn Photography. Her website will be up soon and I will make sure and update this blog as she did a wonderful job. We have many more to show! :-)