Being Single versus Being Alone

Terry and I prepping the baby's room

I am obviously an advocate of doing what needs to be done in life. I am an advocate of taking charge of those things that are in your control (since so few things are in life). I an advocate of looking at a situation for what it is and recognizing that if you cannot change the situation - you need to change yourself or remove yourself from it. I believe this true with respect to relationships, your work life, with friendships,  and of course I believe this is true with motherhood as well.

So at the age of 34 I decided that I would not wait for Prince Charming...  I decided that I would be a single mother, either via a co-parenting agreement or via a sperm donor. As luck would have it I found a wonderful co-parent and that became a story unto itself. But I did have two donors picked out via a credible sperm bank and I had my doctor prepared that he would be doing artificial insemination. One way or the other this was happening!

You know all of this about me - so what's the point?! The point is that having a wonderful co-parent who ended up becoming my boyfriend (again) made it glaringly obvious to me what I would have missed had I done the sperm donor route - Companionship.

What do I mean by companionship specifically? 

Two of my besties at my baby shower

In this context I am not merely referring to a couple-type-relationship, but I mean close relationships with friends and family as well.  The kind of in-your-face, sometimes-annoying, always together closeness. The kind of closeness that affords itself an expectation of companionship. And the key word there is "expectation". It can't be a favor. When you're very close with someone you develop a deep level of comfort which comes with an inherent expectation that they will be there for you.  This is a good thing! I have this with friends and I have this with family. The only problem I faced - I don't have it close by!

I moved to LA 12 years ago and all of my childhood friends and most of family live in Northern California. The friends that I do have in LA are so spread out (because LA is friggin' huge!!). I don't have that "lives just down the street and we hang out a few days/nights per week" type of companionship that you see in shows like Friends or How I Met Your Mother. Not because I don't have friends, but because of the distance and the nature of what is going on in our lives. Some of my friends have three babies of their own. Some work crazy hours. Some are going back to college full time. And when you throw 30+ miles in the mix its really hard to develop that everyday level of companionship. And when you don't have that everyday level of companionship with someone that's when you go from being a single parent-to-be, to being an alone parent-to-be.

So what is it that a companion would be expected to do?

My Ma and My Step-Ma
My two NorCal Advocates! 

• Go to ultrasounds and doctors appointments with you
• Research and read the books with you 
• Track the weekly/monthly progress with you
• Make or bring you food when you're too tired to do anything
• Eat the food you make when you suddenly have a desire to bake every recipe you read
• Cook with you!
• Laugh at all the random weirdness that goes along with be pregnant
• Watch movies with you on a Saturday night instead of heading out to a party or the bars... because you don't do that anymore
• Answer the phone when you call (and you call often) because you started crying at work for no reason, or you felt a kick for the first time, or you're suddenly paranoid you made a grave mistake because you ate something you shouldn't have
• Go the gym with you (if thats your thing) or do prenatal home workouts with you, or at least have them help you stick to your prenatal workout goals
• Go with you to Labor and Delivery if something suddenly doesn't feel right
• Indulge in all the fun shopping experiences - from Baby Gap, to Target, to baby consignment shops and everything in between!
• Delight in the arts and crafts of decorating the baby's room
• Most importantly - just be there a couple times a week to make sure you as the single mom-to-be are taking care of yourself!

One of my SoCal besties
Ugly Sweater Party at 6 months preggers

And this is just the pregnancy part! I can't imagine experiencing all of the joys, fears, ups, downs, smiles, tears, laughter, milestones and set-backs of raising a child without companionship. Without someone who recognizes the hundreds of different expressions and smiles like you do, who delights with you when your baby laughs out loud, feels pride with you when he can hold his own head up, learns to crawl and to walk. And who will do all of the bullet points above with you even after the baby is born!

So here is my advice

If you don't have someone or a few someones close-by who can be that comfortable companion during your pregnancy and even more so, after your bundle of joy has arrived, then move closer to them. I know this sounds extreme, but without Terry I genuinely would have felt pretty darn alone here in this giant spread out city of ours. It can sound trivial but its not. Its a very weighted down feeling. 

If you can't move then get pro-active and join a single mothers group, or even start a single mothers group! Start working hard to cultivate the local friendships you have into true companionships.

Next Blog Post: Final post before Ethan arrives - Where We Started and Where We Are Now!