Where We Started and Where We Are Now

Terry & I in some grass

As I sit here less than 24 hours before the birth of our son I cannot help but ruminate on where we were when he hatched this whole crazy plan and where we are now, collectively and as individuals.

I'll warn you this is a bit of a brag session... but well earned - especially for Terry. He took the bull by the horns this year as they say and I'm excited to not only give a little spotlight to his accomplishments but I'm also so excited to see where the next year - and all the years thereafter take us.

So I'll start with Terry (or the artist formerly known as Baby Daddy). These are all of the accomplishments he's made in his life since Ethan's conception in June of 2012:

• He received his Associates degree!! 
• We figured out his plan to earn a Bachelors in Mechanical Engineering and he's in school right now taking his prerequisites. We're going to work hard to make sure that even though we're going to be tired and stressed we still make time for him to study.
• He finally bought a new car - a nice reliable Nissan Versa. I told him its the perfect "I'm a new dad/college student" car. (This was a requirement as I had also told him there was no way he would be carrying the baby around in his old car - a 1987 Nissan Z.)
• This may be a touch personal - but Terry got some dental work completed that was overdue - and he looks amazing!! He flashes a sparkling white smile now and he's more handsome than ever. :-)
• He renovated this condo of ours and it is so beautiful. He poured so much love and sweat into this house. We can't wait to bring our baby home! 

So what's next for Terry? 

• Once the baby is born and we have an idea of what we're in for we're going to start looking at entry level engineering internship-type programs that he can do while he's in school. 
• Ideally Terry would like to get into UC Irvine. They have a direct transfer program for students with above a set GPA. We're working hard to meet that. 
• Find a job closer to Long Beach that ends prior to 2am. Right now he commutes to Santa Ana in the evenings... we're not loving that. 

Beautiful West LA behind us...

Where was I nine long months ago?

• My biggest hurdle was emotional - finally healing after over half a decade of bad relationships... Terry was instrumental in helping with that. 
• I got a new job - working for The Portal Group as a Sr. Project Manager. The job came with a raise, a shorter commute, shorter hours and stability. I miss my Dustland folks but this was a good move for me considering where I am in life. 
• I finally figured out the Phoenix property mess - got a reputable property manager and managed to get three new tenants. This property is doing much better now. 
• Moved two tenants into my Long Beach 4-plex. They are awesome and things are working out well! (knock on wood!)
• Completed my first Life Coaching consultation - two fabulous women who are starting a match-making service. After one meeting and a carefully constructed plan these ladies just hit the ground running. I can't wait to do more of these!
• I bought our new condo and moved in just after Thanksgiving. I call it my first real Big Kid home. Its been A LOT of friggin' work but as I mentioned above we're so proud of it. And I love the way Terry describes it: It is my condo, but its our home. :-)



My new mommy car - a 2008 Kia Rondo

• I bought a new car! No more little zippy SanDeE. When I realized I couldn't fit a stroller in the hatchback I sold her to a nice family and bought a 2008 Kia Rondo. It's not a sexy car by any stretch of anybody's imagination - but it met all my criteria: 2008 or newer, only 30,000 miles, decent-ish gas mileage, still looked new and clean, under $10,000 and could fit all of our stuff. Trust me - this was not easy to find! We named her Judith (Judy for short). My Mommy Car!

So what's next for me?

• Well... have this baby and get started on being an awesome mom 
• I want to finish my Real Estate License... I was so close but just took on too much and had to let a few things go
• Complete another few life coaching consultations... I really love helping people move forward with their ideas and plans!
• Get back my pre-preggy body back... I think Kettlebells and Spin classes are going to be my plan de jour. 
• Get back to work and keep moving my projects forward (and maybe eventually work for myself... I think that's always been the plan).

Reading The Richest Man
in Babylon to baby Ethan
**Dedicate to my Pops**

Above all else we want to be amazing parents! We want little Ethan to know that he is super duper loved, that he has a whole foundation of people that have his back and are committed to his success in whatever he strives to do, we want him to know that he is accepted for who he is as he navigates through this crazy beautiful world of ours, we want him to know that he can take risks because if he fails we'll be here to catch him and if he succeeds we'll be there cheering him on, we want him to always feel secure about himself and his dreams - just like our parents did for us. 

Thank you everyone for taking this fun journey with us. Next time I post it will be a picture of our little man! That's when the fun really begins! Much love and many blessings!

~Kat and Terry

Being Single versus Being Alone

Terry and I prepping the baby's room

I am obviously an advocate of doing what needs to be done in life. I am an advocate of taking charge of those things that are in your control (since so few things are in life). I an advocate of looking at a situation for what it is and recognizing that if you cannot change the situation - you need to change yourself or remove yourself from it. I believe this true with respect to relationships, your work life, with friendships,  and of course I believe this is true with motherhood as well.

So at the age of 34 I decided that I would not wait for Prince Charming...  I decided that I would be a single mother, either via a co-parenting agreement or via a sperm donor. As luck would have it I found a wonderful co-parent and that became a story unto itself. But I did have two donors picked out via a credible sperm bank and I had my doctor prepared that he would be doing artificial insemination. One way or the other this was happening!

You know all of this about me - so what's the point?! The point is that having a wonderful co-parent who ended up becoming my boyfriend (again) made it glaringly obvious to me what I would have missed had I done the sperm donor route - Companionship.

What do I mean by companionship specifically? 

Two of my besties at my baby shower

In this context I am not merely referring to a couple-type-relationship, but I mean close relationships with friends and family as well.  The kind of in-your-face, sometimes-annoying, always together closeness. The kind of closeness that affords itself an expectation of companionship. And the key word there is "expectation". It can't be a favor. When you're very close with someone you develop a deep level of comfort which comes with an inherent expectation that they will be there for you.  This is a good thing! I have this with friends and I have this with family. The only problem I faced - I don't have it close by!

I moved to LA 12 years ago and all of my childhood friends and most of family live in Northern California. The friends that I do have in LA are so spread out (because LA is friggin' huge!!). I don't have that "lives just down the street and we hang out a few days/nights per week" type of companionship that you see in shows like Friends or How I Met Your Mother. Not because I don't have friends, but because of the distance and the nature of what is going on in our lives. Some of my friends have three babies of their own. Some work crazy hours. Some are going back to college full time. And when you throw 30+ miles in the mix its really hard to develop that everyday level of companionship. And when you don't have that everyday level of companionship with someone that's when you go from being a single parent-to-be, to being an alone parent-to-be.

So what is it that a companion would be expected to do?

My Ma and My Step-Ma
My two NorCal Advocates! 

• Go to ultrasounds and doctors appointments with you
• Research and read the books with you 
• Track the weekly/monthly progress with you
• Make or bring you food when you're too tired to do anything
• Eat the food you make when you suddenly have a desire to bake every recipe you read
• Cook with you!
• Laugh at all the random weirdness that goes along with be pregnant
• Watch movies with you on a Saturday night instead of heading out to a party or the bars... because you don't do that anymore
• Answer the phone when you call (and you call often) because you started crying at work for no reason, or you felt a kick for the first time, or you're suddenly paranoid you made a grave mistake because you ate something you shouldn't have
• Go the gym with you (if thats your thing) or do prenatal home workouts with you, or at least have them help you stick to your prenatal workout goals
• Go with you to Labor and Delivery if something suddenly doesn't feel right
• Indulge in all the fun shopping experiences - from Baby Gap, to Target, to baby consignment shops and everything in between!
• Delight in the arts and crafts of decorating the baby's room
• Most importantly - just be there a couple times a week to make sure you as the single mom-to-be are taking care of yourself!

One of my SoCal besties
Ugly Sweater Party at 6 months preggers

And this is just the pregnancy part! I can't imagine experiencing all of the joys, fears, ups, downs, smiles, tears, laughter, milestones and set-backs of raising a child without companionship. Without someone who recognizes the hundreds of different expressions and smiles like you do, who delights with you when your baby laughs out loud, feels pride with you when he can hold his own head up, learns to crawl and to walk. And who will do all of the bullet points above with you even after the baby is born!

So here is my advice

If you don't have someone or a few someones close-by who can be that comfortable companion during your pregnancy and even more so, after your bundle of joy has arrived, then move closer to them. I know this sounds extreme, but without Terry I genuinely would have felt pretty darn alone here in this giant spread out city of ours. It can sound trivial but its not. Its a very weighted down feeling. 

If you can't move then get pro-active and join a single mothers group, or even start a single mothers group! Start working hard to cultivate the local friendships you have into true companionships.

Next Blog Post: Final post before Ethan arrives - Where We Started and Where We Are Now!

We finally have a name!

This Friday March 8th at 7:30am we will welcome the arrival of (drum roll please...)

Ethan Jay McCullough-Byrne 

The first name was easy - the vote was clear that Ethan was the favorite first name and we just love it. You have good taste! :-)

The second name we chose for several reasons:

1. Its my dad's middle name (Stuart Jay McCullough)
2. Jay Haley, my Great Uncle, was a member of my family who I've always found to be very interesting. His intro on Wikipedia describes him as:  "...one of the founding figures of brief and family therapy in general and of the strategic model of psychotherapy..." (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jay_Haley) 
3. Lastly, it affords the ability to give Ethan a nickname (since Ethan doesn't lend itself well to one): E.J. My dad loved the idea of this nickname so we're glad this middle name can make that happen. 

Not yet! Wait until March 8th!!

The last name was a different story

Yep - we decided to hyphenate. I believe Terry always expected that we would hyphenate - and in truth this was a very good compromise on his behalf since typically the child would take the fathers last name. We're anything but typical.

Guess how much I love you?
This much!

The overwhelming majority of those who commented, sent me emails and chatted with me in person preferred that Byrne be the middle name and McCullough be the last name. In the beginning I would have agreed - but my feeling on this changed. Its not just that Terry and I are a couple, its that he is truly as excited as I am, if not more so sometimes, about the birth of his son. He has been a team player in this since the start and I no longer think of this as my baby (which I admit I did in the beginning), but our baby. And because of that I want this baby to have our name.

Why McCullough first?

No big reason other than how it sounds. Byrne-McCullough almost sounds a bit mean.

But hyphenating is so long - isn't that mean to do to your child?

As opposed to naming him something like Apple, or Moon Unit, or Sunweed (sorry bros)? More and more people are hyphenating. Ethan will survive the long last name... and boy will he know his letters! 16 unique letters in his name - that's over 60% of the alphabet! We're all about education. :-)

What will you do if someday he wants just one last name?

As he gets older we're prepared for him to pick one or the other. Another thing some people do is keep both but just use one. A girlfriend of mine has a hyphenated last name and she kept it hyphenated legally, but uses just one of the last names on a day to day basis. I will try not to take it personally if he chooses Byrne.... I'll try...

Well - that's that for our baby's name. We're definitely excited to meet little EJMB!

Next Post: Single vs. Alone - there is definitely a difference!

Now that we’re a couple – how does that change the agreement?

Kat and Terry - Preggy Pic #1

This is a phenomenal question – because we’re not married the agreement remains in-tact, though we’re free to bend the rules a bit in the interim. I consider the agreement more of a co-parenting pre-nup if you will.  If we do break up, we revert to the agreement as it is written today. But even as we stay together there are elements of the agreement we still have in place.

What has changed?

• Custody – now that we’re living together obviously this is no longer a concern. We will be raising this little niblet together.
• Holidays and Activities – these will be more joint efforts now. We will go to each other’s families for the holidays and navigate the balance just like any other couple would.
• Final decisions – under the agreement there is an element under which I would have had final decision making authority with respect to names, healthcare related issues, childcare facilities, etc. This is no longer the case. Now we’re discussing things – again like a normal couple would. And of course, like a normal couple – we almost never agree!  (Ok, ok – we agree in the end but boy does it take some communication tap-dancing in the interim.)

So – what’s the same then?!

Preggy Pic #2

For the time being I will still bear the sole financial responsibility for little Ethan, including the cost of giving birth (and holy jeez these are outrageous costs!!), health insurance, childcare, education savings funds, diaper service, mortgage/utilities, and so on and so on.

When Terry and I made this agreement we knew he wasn't in a financially comfortable place because he was going back to school and working part time as a bartender. He makes enough money to cover his own bills but there is not a lot extra right now, especially for the overwhelming costs this little baby is racking up. This arrangement was always based on me being able to cover all of the costs. Our expectation, of course, is that this will not always be the case. Terry is looking for a job closer to Long Beach that has more consistent hours and more consistent pay. And when he does graduate college with an engineering degree he will definitely be stepping in financially - which is good because we might have our second child by then. (Yes, we’re already talking about it.)

Some people have had some negative things to say about the financial arrangement but this is the way I look at it:

1. There are many single income families, but the convention is that the man is the breadwinner. Well – to break yet another convention, that is not the case with us. Our goal is to equal out in the end, but right now we’re a healthy couple with me as the breadwinner.
2. Terry contributes so much to the comfort of our lives. He keeps our home improvement projects moving forward and it’s really only because of him that we have a place as nice as we do. I will be show all of the before and after pictures in another blog post. He does amazing work – he’s going to make some engineering firm very happy someday.
3. Time – Terry has a bit more free time so our goal is try to and supplement childcare costs with some of his free time – i.e. he’ll stay home with little Ethan one or two days a week, or several half-days.
4. My best friend – Terry really is my best friend. I wouldn't trade that for a million dollars. (I used to think I would… but I was young and dumb… now I wouldn't trade it ever.) I would have done this single, and I could have done this single, but I am so glad Terry and I are together. We make each other happy.

Preggy Pic #3

So – we have 4 days to go and we have two giant decisions still left to be made (decisions I have to be honest I truly envisioned being able to make on my own once upon a time):

• Middle and last name (now that we’re together this changes things a bit)
• Circumcision (one of us for, one of us is against… this is definitely controversial!)

 Stay tuned!

Next blog post: Single vs. Alone – something I learned starting off doing this single and being able to compare that against doing this with someone. 

Note: All of our preggy pics are courtesy of Sandee Lynn Photography. Her website will be up soon and I will make sure and update this blog as she did a wonderful job. We have many more to show! :-)

4 Days of Pregnancy Left - 4 Posts to the Finish Line

My preggy belly!

Some people have asked me why I haven't posted in my blog for a while, which I have to say makes me feel pretty good. Its nice to be missed. :-)

There are a few reasons:

• Of course the first would be that my schedule became way too overwhelming. Saying I had a lot on my plate would  be an understatement. On top of the condo (before and after pictures officially attached!), the other properties, and my full time job I've also had to take classes to make sure I don't lose my project management certification which happens to expire in two weeks. Eeks!
• While Terry was helping me with our condo, I was helping him plan and register for the classes required to transfer into a 4 year college with a degree in Mechanical Engineering. This actually proved to be a difficult task, but we managed to get him registered and he's well underway! (We kept the course load minimal since - you know - we're having a baby... but still on track to transfer in a year.)

But I suppose those are both more excuses than real reasons...

• The basis of this blog was my adventure as a single mother who had entered into a co-parenting agreement with her ex-boyfriend. Obviously that changed as now Terry (formerly known as Baby Daddy) and I are in a committed relationship. I received several notes from people telling me that they were happy for me, but quite frankly my story just wasn't as interesting. I can understand that. Its still a fun story to tell... because honestly if we hadn't decided to have a baby together we wouldn't be a couple either. We just sort of did it backwards. Someday if we end up married we can say we did the exact opposite direction: baby, then boyfriend/girlfriend, then married couple. :-) And we're still a pretty unconventional couple - but more on that in my next post. 

So - what have we been up to?

Ethan's Clothing Inventory... In case
you thought I was kidding...

In any event, it took the wind a bit out of my sails and I just focused my attention on other things - like making a spreadsheet of every article of clothing we have for Ethan sorted by type, size, etc, and doing all of the prep work for as smooth a transition into motherhood as I can manage. 

Before anyone chimes in with "You have no idea what this is going to be like - you can't prepare for this", let me just say I'm only attempting to manage the things I can. I'm as prepared as someone can be for something I've been told I can never prepare for. 

Gifts for the hospital staff
after my C-Section

Specifically:  Ethan's clothes and blankets are washed, bags are packed, diapers were ordered (we're doing a diaper service), nursery is complete, pack n play is built, car seats are installed (and inspected by the Sheriff), bouncers are built, gifts for the nurses and hospital staff are assembled, vaccinations for family members are completed, visitation schedule is complete, disability is filed for, we found our cord blood bank, and I already have my plan for getting back my pre-preggy body outlined... oh - and the condo is completely renovated. Ready to see the final results!?

 Condo Renovation Before and After Pictures!

So - what posts are left?

• How our being couple affects the Agreement
• Final decision on the full name
• Single vs. Alone - a few lessons I learned in originally preparing to go this alone
• We were started and where we are now. It's amazing the difference 9 months can make in peoples lives when they're focused on making things happen. 

I know I will keep writing about our journey after this little man is born - but I truly appreciate everyone who has joined us thus far. I'll send out the first blog post tomorrow (even though it already is tomorrow... insomnia!). 

Next Blog Post: How Does Being a Couple Change the Agreement